Forgive and Forget? Not Really. (Part 2)
Hi, friends!
Several months ago, I wrote the post, “Forgive and forget? Not Really.” In that post, I said I agreed with the “forgive” part of that age-old saying. (If you haven’t read it yet, hop on over to that post and chime in on our discussion.)
I ended that post saying I would address the “and forget” part in the next post. Summer came and went. So did the holidays, and still no follow-up on the post.
I haven’t wanted to talk about the “and forget” part–much less, blog about it. Several things happened after the first post that have challenged me in the forgiveness department. It’s as if God was saying:
“Do you really believe what you say you believe, Daphne?”
With God’s help, lots of tears, and the help of my family, friends, and my recovery group, I’m working through the forgiveness part–and doing well, at least, for today. 😉
Lately, the “and forget” part has come to mind, which, if you ask me, shows progress. Does that mean I should just go ahead and forget about what happened? Should I erase the bad things that have consumed me for the past year? Do I pretend the harmful things that have dominated every waking–and “sleeping”–moment of my life since early summer no longer matter? No.
Pain matters.
Forgetting the pain my family and I have gone through would also erase the good that has come from it.
- More conversations about feelings and long-standing issues with low self-worth.
- Healthy boundaries.
- New directions for our family.
- A simple life that treasures even the little things.
- Courage to protect myself and my loved ones.
- Restored relationships with estranged family members.
- Right priorities.
- Tighter family relationships.
- Renewed importance of the fragility of life.
- Better listening skills.
- Learning about each others’ lives–things we didn’t know about each other that we will carry with us for years to come.
- Giving and receiving advice across generations.
Who knew that negative situations could produce such positive change? And this is just a short list of good coming from bad! There were plenty of good things in our lives last year. That’s an entirely different list of God’s blessings. Should I forget it all–2014?
When we “forgive and forget,” we essentially tell God our pain is better left in the past. Nothing good has come from it. I am where I am today by my own merit, not anything God has done.
“Forgive and forget” is an affront to the sovereignty of God who turns evil into good (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28).
Pain is important to forgive. It’s also important to remember.
“Forgive and remember” until you can do so without an inkling of anger, bitterness, or revenge. That, my friend, is healing. “Forgive and remember” speaks hope: Look what God did for me in this situation. He can do the same for you. That’s the power of remembering. That’s the hope you can share with others. “Forgive and forget” lacks hope. It has nothing to offer anyone. Your pain is in vain.
My pain is not in vain. God has brought much good from it–and I know He will continue to do so. This is the hope I offer you: God can bring good from whatever wrong was committed against you or whatever hurtful thing was said about you.
Forgive and remember.
All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel!
He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Come alongside… Do you agree that you shouldn’t forget the wrongs committed against you? Why or why not? What have you been trying to forget that you need to remember? Please comment in the box below. Remember, you can comment anonymously.
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You Don’t Have to Handle Everything All by Yourself
Hi, friends!
Today, I want to introduce you to my dear friend Terry. I’ve known Terry since 2006, and we’ve become very close friends since that time. Terry has an amazing story of recovery from trying to do all things by herself. I wanted her to share it with you, so I now introduce Terry.
I grew up in Longwood and Winter Springs Florida. I was one of five children with two older brothers and two younger sisters. Our home had an atmosphere of fear and anger. My parents divorced before I was five and my Mom remarried when I was eight. Both my Father and Stepfather were abusive. In addition, my Mother was working so much and dealing with her own life that she had nothing left for us children. I found out early how to take care of my siblings and myself. By the time I was 11, I was cooking meals, doing laundry, cleaning house, and babysitting to earn some money.
At 14, the abuse worsened so, my sister and I went to live in Utah with my Dad for a year. That turned out to be a nightmare. He was even more abusive than our Stepfather was. We went back to Florida at the end of the school year but things there had only gotten worse. I imagine that the years of abuse had finally rubbed off on my Mom and she had become abusive herself. I started making plans and moved out 5 days after high school graduation.
When we were young, my Mom sent us to church on the bus. There I learned all about God and Jesus but never learned anything about knowing them or following God’s word. By the time I was a teenager, I felt like I had gone to Church as much as I needed to and left. I had been baptized when I was eight and had considered myself a Christian ever since. Only, you couldn’t tell that by looking at my lifestyle. I continued to search as an adult and tried several other religions along the way. None of them seemed to make any sense so I filled my life with work. I went to college off and on some but didn’t get to finish my AA degree until 2012.
I kept on with using my coping skills of staying busy with work and taking care of not just myself but everyone around me. I was very confident in my ability to take care of any situation that came along. I got married in 1986 and we seemed to have the perfect marriage. We never argued, not once in 10 years. It turns out that we were both experts at avoiding conflict, until he was no longer able to and suggested we divorce. So we did… in 1996.
After the divorce, I spent the next 3 years trying to fill the hole with everything the world had to offer but that just made the hole bigger. By the end of that time, I had sunk into a deep depression. I would go home from work on Friday and stay in bed until Monday. Going to work was the only reason I had to get out of bed. I’m so thankful I had a job I loved during that time. The depression continued for 3 months. I was finally up against something I couldn’t handle all by myself.
One day, a friend and I were talking about how bad the language had gotten on the radio. She said, “I know a station you would like where they don’t do that and they play the kind of music you would like.” So I thought I’d give it a try and she was right, they didn’t do that and I did like the music. That station was The Joy FM, and I’ve been listening to it ever since. One day, while driving to work, a song came on called I Am Not Alone by Natalie Grant. That song made me realize that even though I had been trying to handle everything all by myself, I didn’t have to. There was help available. In that moment, I was finally able to tell Jesus that I needed His help. After all the years of searching for love and approval, I had finally found it and it was unconditional. It didn’t rely on my performance at all.
I visited several churches and finally landed at my home church. In the early days of my salvation, I leaned heavily on the verse in Romans 8:28: “All things work together for good to those that are called according to His purpose.” I immediately started getting involved. I joined the choir and planned activities for my class. I took any extra classes available and within a few years, I was leading a Connect Group and a Ladies Bible Study. In 2004, I had the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Moldova and then got to go again in 2006. I also led several sessions of Divorce Care and in 2008, I got involved in Celebrate Recovery at my church. After completing a step study, I volunteered and led small groups and eventually became a member of leadership.
After being single for 15 years, I married Jim in 2011 and now we both help lead a Celebrate Recovery at another church and I lead support groups at my church on Wednesday evenings. Oh, and Jim and I are involved in an adult class on Sunday mornings to plan and coordinate ministry activities.
One of the most amazing changes in my life is that before salvation, it seemed as if I was walking around with a giant mirror in front of me. I could never see a clear path to the future, only the distant painful past behind me. Now, it’s like that giant mirror is gone and I can clearly see the future that is in front of me. Like Natalie Grant says, “I am not alone.” With Christ, I can live in freedom from my past and even be used by God to help others find that same freedom. Now I lean on the verse in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans for good and not for harm, to give you a hope and a future.”
Thank you for letting me share.
What a great story of moving from self-sufficiency to God-sufficiency! Thank you, Terry, for your courage and transparency. May God continue to bless you and use your story to help others struggling with giving control of their lives to God.
Friends, I hope you will comment and encourage Terry for sharing her story with us. Tell us what part or parts of her story you related with and why. If you have any questions for Terry, feel free to ask her in the comments section below. If you need prayer, please share that with us as well.
Terry’s picks
My Declaration of (In)Dependence
Happy 4th of July, everyone!
In the course of my life’s events, it became necessary for me to dissolve the emotional, mental, physical, social, and spiritual bands that connected themselves to me, and to receive the power of Almighty God which He freely offered me.
I now hold the truths of the Bible to be self-evident, that I am created in the image of God and that He has endowed me with certain inalienable rights. Among these are eternal life, earthly freedom, and the pursuit of Him, which leads to true happiness.
Such was my suffering, which led me to declare my independence:
For my 33 years, I struggled with whether I was truly saved. I had done all the “right” things in my Christian life—I had always been in church, but that’s all I remember. I had gone through seasons of certainty, where I said, “Yep, I’m good.” To seasons of uncertainty, “I’m not so sure.” Every time, I rationalized it away.
In 2009, I admitted I was not 100% certain I was saved. This troubled me more than ever, especially given all the growth and freedom I had experienced the previous five years in recovery. Still, I did not want to continue with this inner restlessness any longer. I wanted to be certain. I wanted to have the assurance and the memory that I had truly accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
On that Sunday afternoon, I realized that through all my life struggles, I had come to love God so much that it grieved my heart to even consider the possibility that He could look at me at the end of my days and say, “I don’t know you.” That thought alone was enough for me to take the biggest step in my recovery from codependency. I ignored all the self-criticism in those moments and the “What would people say?” Once and for all, I did it. I prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior – at the age of 33, with my accountability partner by my side. I am now 100% certain that I will spend eternity with the Lover of my soul.
I believe that from the moment I was born to April 5th, 2009, God had been wooing me with his grace – that undeserved favor toward me, a sinner. On that day, I was finally at a place where I had come to love him more than anything. Swallowing my pride and making it official – no matter how foolish it might appear having grown up in the church – was my way of showing Him. The very next Sunday, I was proud and humbled to have my Pastor – Pastor Jay – baptize me as a public profession of my faith.
Therefore, I, Daphne Tarango, appealing to Almighty God in the name of my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ, declare I am free and absolved from all allegiance to the enemy of my soul. All emotional, mental, physical, social, and spiritual connection between us is totally dissolved. I am a free person, and I pledge my life and my dependence to the One who came to set the captives free—Jesus, the Christ!
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36).
Come alongside… Tell us about the moment you declared your independence. What led you to make that decision?
Comfort… Coming Right Up! Er, Down!
Ever have someone tell you just what you needed to hear—without your asking?
It happened to me just a few minutes ago.
I’ve posted about my fear of publishing my very own book. I start then I stop. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Right now, I’m stopped.
I’ve been praying about this because I know that this is what I’m supposed to do–and I want to do it! So I’ve been cuddling up to God the way I’ve posted before so that He’s the only One I see and hear, cheering me on the way He knows best. That’s when I’ve been able to start again.
This morning, a writer friend shared this on Facebook:
Say it to yourself!
Note 2 Self: No matter how afraid, indecisive, uncomfortable or anxious I am about my path, as long as I keep moving I will always make progress.
I really needed to hear that!
I didn’t expect anything more because I had already received the comfort I needed to take another step toward my goal. But when I thanked her, she comforted me even more.
All it takes is one step at a time. That’s how you get to your destination! It took me awhile to write my book. I’d be inspired one second and then once I got closer to completing it I would stop. Once I put aside my fear and anxiety over who would buy it, how would it be perceived, etc. and just finished and published it for the simple fact that it was something I set out to do, then everything else was easy. Most times the voices in our head that keep feeding us doubts and fears don’t know what they’re talking about! LOL
This is just what I’ve needed to get up, head to the office supply store, buy a pack of printer paper, and print out what I have so far.
What comfort!
Dear ones, God places people on our paths for specific reasons. Sometimes, we comfort them. Today, I was the one who needed comfort—though no one knew.
Isn’t God good? He knows just what we need even when we can’t put it into words ourselves.
Also, the Spirit helps us with our weakness. We do not know how to pray as we should. But the Spirit himself speaks to God for us, even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain. (Romans 8:26)
Once He hears us, He goes into action.
I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking to me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers! (Isaiah 65:24)
Dear ones, He answered my prayers–yet again!
I pray blessings on that special person who used her passion for helping others to speak comfort and inspiration into my life just when I needed it most.
Today, someone came alongside me. And today, I come alongside you: God is listening–hang in there. Comfort’s coming right up–er, down!
Come alongside… Has this happened to you? Has someone shared with you something you needed to hear at the very moment you needed it? Scroll down and share it with us in the comments section.
Movies about Encouraging Others
7 Ways to Prevent–and Reverse–Relapse (Part 2 of 2)
In last week’s post, I introduced three of the seven ways we can prevent—and reverse—relapse in our recovery journeys.
Let’s recap…
R is for Reflect.
E is for Expose your triggers and plan your escape strategies.
L is for Look up and re-learn scripture passages.
I hope you’re already putting those into practice. I know I am!
Today, we’ll complete the acronym “RELAPSE” with the letters A, P, S, and E.
Here goes…
4. Activate your accountability partners
Our enemy wants us to stay silent and pretend all is okay. He wants us to keep our struggles to ourselves. Remember: Silence comes with a cost.
When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long. (Psalm 32:3)
Silence pains us physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, and spiritually.
It’s better to have a partner than go it alone…. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble…. A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
Accountability partners who struggle with similar issues can empathize with us, they can share what has worked for them, and they keep us on track with our recovery. They are there for us when we’re tempted to give in. Most importantly, they can pray for us.
If you haven’t talked to your accountability partner in a while, give him/her a call and catch up. If you don’t have an accountability partner, pray. Ask God to place someone on your heart and to lead you to the right person—someone of the same sex whom you can trust and share your struggles and victories—big and small.
5. Pray, pray, pray
We can do all of the above, and if we don’t pray to our Higher Power Jesus Christ, then we are still relying on our own power to get us through. Willpower will only get us so far. But listen to what prayer can do:
The Holy Spirit helps us when we are weak. We don’t know what we should pray for. But the Spirit himself prays for us. He prays with groans too deep for words. (Romans 8:26)
“You will not succeed by your own power or strength. You can’t force these things. They only come about through my Spirit,” says the God-of-the-Angel-Armies. (Zechariah 4:6)
Preventing—and reversing—relapse isn’t only a physical battle. It’s a spiritual battle for our daily freedom and, in many instances, our very lives. Spiritual battles require spiritual weapons—weapons that only come from praying and spending time with God.
We do live in the world, but we do not fight in the same way the world fights. We fight with weapons that are different from those the world uses. Our weapons have power from God that can destroy the enemy’s strong places. (2 Corinthians 10:3-4)
We can destroy those strong places—those habits we keep gravitating toward—when we capture every sinful thought with our prayers and make them give up and obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).
6. Share your story
What is your recovery story so far? Have you shared it? We can prevent relapse—and reverse it—when we share what God has done in our lives. It grows our faith, gives us hope to keep going, and increases the faith of those around us.
Many times, the best opportunities to share our stories come when we serve others—when we step outside of our own situations and focus on how we can help those who are also struggling. Each time we share our story with others, we take one more step to freedom and we help others to do the same.
Faith comes from listening to this message of good news — the Good News about Christ. (Romans 10:17)
They overcame because the Lamb gave his life’s blood for them [and] by giving witness about Jesus to others. (Revelation 12:11)
7. Evaluate regularly
I would love to say that if we do these things, we will never misstep, dear ones. But the reality is that we will make mistakes. The key to preventing—and reversing—relapse is to continue in our recovery marathon and to be intentional about evaluating our progress on a routine basis.
Ask God to reveal the habits that have snuck in and taken up residence in the hidden places of your heart and mind. Ask Him to show you the things in your life that He doesn’t like—and to help you live in the way that is always right (Psalm 139:23-24).
Remember: We started this marathon. Let’s finish it!
Strip down, start running–and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed–that exhilarating finish in and with God–he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! (Hebrews 12:1-3)
Come alongside…What steps can you take today to prevent—or reverse—relapse?
