Forgive and forget? Not really. (Part 1)
Hi, friends!
Do you “forgive and forget?”
Lately, I keep seeing and hearing people tell each other to “forgive and forget” wrongs others have committed against them. Although I’ve heard that saying since I was a wee one, the more I hear it, the more I don’t agree with it. Well, part of it, anyway.
Should I forgive? Absolutely!
Choosing to forgive doesn’t mean the other person did nothing wrong. On the contrary! It means yes, he–or she–wronged you in one way or another. When you forgive, you acknowledge that someone did hurt you.
- They lied about you.
- They abused you.
- They took you for granted.
- They ignored you.
Forgiveness says…
“You hurt me!”
But forgiveness goes further. It also says…
“I’m not going to hurt you back.”
When you forgive someone, you tell yourself, “I won’t let what so-and-so did fester. I won’t let myself get bitter. I won’t let myself take revenge. (Yes, revenge includes giving them the silent treatment.)”
Don’t pay back evil with evil. (Romans 12:17)
Forgiveness says you have suffered from someone’s words or actions. It doesn’t mean you deny or diminish what you’re feeling:
- “Oh, it’s okay.”
- “It’s no big deal.”
- “I’ll get over it.”
- “Whatever.”
Forgiveness says, “Oh, I feel it… Every. Single. Day. But today–for this moment, I will not get them back. I will feel all of this pain. I will cry, I will kick, I will scream. And when I’m done, I’ll be a little more free.” Yes, free!
Our hurts are alive. We can’t bury them. They need to come out one way or another; that’s why God tells us not to ignore them.
My people are broken – shattered! – and they put on band-aids, Saying, ‘It’s not so bad. You’ll be just fine.’ But things are not ‘just fine’! (Jeremiah 6:14)
When you let out your hurts, when you thrust them up to God, you move one step closer to being released from the burden of that pain. Forgiveness makes that happen. Forgiveness helps you to process those feelings for however long it takes. And yes, sometimes, forgiveness takes a long time; it doesn’t all happen at once. But when it does–when forgiveness is complete, after umpteen times of crying, kicking, screaming, praying to God, you’ll suddenly realize…
“Hey, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it did before.”
That’s what forgiveness does. That’s what God wants for us all. That’s what He wants for you.
So… yes, I agree with the “Forgive” part of “Forgive and forget.” But do I agree with the “and forget” part? I’ll address that in my next post. In the meantime…
Come alongside… Do you have someone to forgive? Will you? Why or why not? Please comment in the box below. Remember, you can comment anonymously.
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You Don’t Have to Handle Everything All by Yourself
Hi, friends!
Today, I want to introduce you to my dear friend Terry. I’ve known Terry since 2006, and we’ve become very close friends since that time. Terry has an amazing story of recovery from trying to do all things by herself. I wanted her to share it with you, so I now introduce Terry.
I grew up in Longwood and Winter Springs Florida. I was one of five children with two older brothers and two younger sisters. Our home had an atmosphere of fear and anger. My parents divorced before I was five and my Mom remarried when I was eight. Both my Father and Stepfather were abusive. In addition, my Mother was working so much and dealing with her own life that she had nothing left for us children. I found out early how to take care of my siblings and myself. By the time I was 11, I was cooking meals, doing laundry, cleaning house, and babysitting to earn some money.
At 14, the abuse worsened so, my sister and I went to live in Utah with my Dad for a year. That turned out to be a nightmare. He was even more abusive than our Stepfather was. We went back to Florida at the end of the school year but things there had only gotten worse. I imagine that the years of abuse had finally rubbed off on my Mom and she had become abusive herself. I started making plans and moved out 5 days after high school graduation.
When we were young, my Mom sent us to church on the bus. There I learned all about God and Jesus but never learned anything about knowing them or following God’s word. By the time I was a teenager, I felt like I had gone to Church as much as I needed to and left. I had been baptized when I was eight and had considered myself a Christian ever since. Only, you couldn’t tell that by looking at my lifestyle. I continued to search as an adult and tried several other religions along the way. None of them seemed to make any sense so I filled my life with work. I went to college off and on some but didn’t get to finish my AA degree until 2012.
I kept on with using my coping skills of staying busy with work and taking care of not just myself but everyone around me. I was very confident in my ability to take care of any situation that came along. I got married in 1986 and we seemed to have the perfect marriage. We never argued, not once in 10 years. It turns out that we were both experts at avoiding conflict, until he was no longer able to and suggested we divorce. So we did… in 1996.
After the divorce, I spent the next 3 years trying to fill the hole with everything the world had to offer but that just made the hole bigger. By the end of that time, I had sunk into a deep depression. I would go home from work on Friday and stay in bed until Monday. Going to work was the only reason I had to get out of bed. I’m so thankful I had a job I loved during that time. The depression continued for 3 months. I was finally up against something I couldn’t handle all by myself.
One day, a friend and I were talking about how bad the language had gotten on the radio. She said, “I know a station you would like where they don’t do that and they play the kind of music you would like.” So I thought I’d give it a try and she was right, they didn’t do that and I did like the music. That station was The Joy FM, and I’ve been listening to it ever since. One day, while driving to work, a song came on called I Am Not Alone by Natalie Grant. That song made me realize that even though I had been trying to handle everything all by myself, I didn’t have to. There was help available. In that moment, I was finally able to tell Jesus that I needed His help. After all the years of searching for love and approval, I had finally found it and it was unconditional. It didn’t rely on my performance at all.
I visited several churches and finally landed at my home church. In the early days of my salvation, I leaned heavily on the verse in Romans 8:28: “All things work together for good to those that are called according to His purpose.” I immediately started getting involved. I joined the choir and planned activities for my class. I took any extra classes available and within a few years, I was leading a Connect Group and a Ladies Bible Study. In 2004, I had the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Moldova and then got to go again in 2006. I also led several sessions of Divorce Care and in 2008, I got involved in Celebrate Recovery at my church. After completing a step study, I volunteered and led small groups and eventually became a member of leadership.
After being single for 15 years, I married Jim in 2011 and now we both help lead a Celebrate Recovery at another church and I lead support groups at my church on Wednesday evenings. Oh, and Jim and I are involved in an adult class on Sunday mornings to plan and coordinate ministry activities.
One of the most amazing changes in my life is that before salvation, it seemed as if I was walking around with a giant mirror in front of me. I could never see a clear path to the future, only the distant painful past behind me. Now, it’s like that giant mirror is gone and I can clearly see the future that is in front of me. Like Natalie Grant says, “I am not alone.” With Christ, I can live in freedom from my past and even be used by God to help others find that same freedom. Now I lean on the verse in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans for good and not for harm, to give you a hope and a future.”
Thank you for letting me share.
What a great story of moving from self-sufficiency to God-sufficiency! Thank you, Terry, for your courage and transparency. May God continue to bless you and use your story to help others struggling with giving control of their lives to God.
Friends, I hope you will comment and encourage Terry for sharing her story with us. Tell us what part or parts of her story you related with and why. If you have any questions for Terry, feel free to ask her in the comments section below. If you need prayer, please share that with us as well.
Terry’s picks
Guest Post: Love Twisted. Love Defined.
I am honored to have my dear friend, Sara Robillard, as my guest blogger for today. Sara and I have known each other several years, and she is truly the sister I never had. She is my “Sissy.” Sara is one of the best lyricists I know. She writes recovery testimonies and recovery-related blogs. She’s also a ghost writer for a non-profit organization. Sara’s story is one of hope and healing. I’m honored to have my Sissy share her heart with you today and hope you will be blessed by her story, “Love Twisted. Love Defined.”
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“Love Twisted. Love Defined.”
by Sara Robillard
Find Sara on Twitter
Love.
Love twisted. Love Defined.
That’s been my life thus far in a nutshell.
As a victim of physical, sexual, spiritual and psychological abuses for the first 20+ years of my life, it’s safe to say I felt pretty screwed up coming out of it. I had seen despair, I had felt hopelessness, but never as profoundly as I did entering recovery. I began to understand that I was being held accountable, and I needed to trust God if I had any chance of surviving. I fought it at first. I had my own way of dealing with things, but God began to break through all my mechanisms, drawing me to Himself. At the end of a long, weary battle, I found myself on my knees, my heart absolutely crushed, and throwing myself at Christ. He finally became my source of life, of hope, of love. No more idols. No more ideals. No more disappointment.
I struggled with how to handle this love relationship I had with God. I had been told I was “loved” before, but that was the twisted sort. Taking and demanding. Using and abusing. Based on merit and emotion. I turned to His word, looking for the truth. And I found it. I found it in the example of Christ, in His action upon the cross out of love for me (1 John 4:9). I found it demonstrated through His people as they ministered to me (1 John 4:11-12). I found it as I began to understand how to express my love to Him through simple obedience (1 John 5:2-3).
He chose me. He set me apart to be His own before the world began. I know that I have never been alone. And I am constantly being romanced by Him in all that is around me. Somehow, I have found myself desperately in love, going from one extreme to another. I have no idea how it happened…it was so subtle, so profound, so beautiful.
And to think, this is what He desires for us all.
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Come alongside…Has love been twisted for you? Can you allow God to define it? Comment below.
Lifting my head
He extended his arms to her and gently raised her head so she would look him in the eyes.
“Come here, baby girl. Lift your head up.”
He caressed and reassured her.
“Daddy always wants you to lift your head. There’s no reason to look down.”
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Our dog has this habit of walking with her head down. Sometimes she even approaches you, cowers, and tucks her tail in between her legs.
Some would say she’s overly submissive, and I agree.
Others would say it’s a result of being disciplined, and I would also agree.
And yet others would say she knows when she’s done something wrong. Agreed.
But this isn’t about my dog. It’s about me. It’s about you. It’s about what we do when we approach God–and others. Our pasts weigh us down.
- Lies.
- Cheating.
- Abuse.
- Addictions.
- Hurts.
We feel humiliated, beat down, guilty, and ashamed.
God wants me–He wants you–He wants us to approach Him. He wants to forgive us. He wants to lift our heads. When we accept His forgiveness, there is no reason to hang our heads.
If you set your heart on God and reach out to him, If you scrub your hands of sin and refuse to entertain evil in your home, You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless. You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again. ~Job 11:13-18
If we would only look to Him!
Our faces are never covered with shame. ~Psalm 34:5
God will shield us from shame. He will ground our feet. He will lift our heads high. Psalm 3:3
Come here, my child.
Come alongside…What keeps you from holding your head high? Would you allow your Daddy to forgive you, to raise your head, and blot out your shame?
Playing with Dirt
When I bought my house, I fell in love not only with the house but also with the playground next door. It wasn’t much of a park, but I pictured it a great place for my future family to play and make memories. Once I moved in, I enjoyed hearing children playing, giggling, and laughing hysterically outside my office window.
Then, the city came and uprooted all the playground equipment. Both sets of swings–gone. The empty park crushed my spirit. Seeing the kiddos sit on the dirt piles after school grieved me even more. But most of all, I missed the giggles, the laughter, the sweet sounds of childlike innocence.
Weeks and months passed, and the children visited the dirt pile often. Eventually, they learned they could play with sticks, leaves, and well… dirt. It might not have been the old playground, but it was what they had; this was now their playground.
Several weeks ago, a semi-truck pulled up outside my house early in the morning. I watched as groups of men lifted heavy objects out of the truck and carefully placed them around the dirt piles in the playground. One trip, two trips, three trips… I lost count. In the end, large objects filled the old playground. I couldn’t tell what these items were, but something told me a new playground would be taking shape.
Days passed and little by little, a new playground appeared. The workers raised the playground up from its earlier incarnation and covered it with fresh mulch. Jungle gyms. Slides. Treehouses. And yes, swings. Even park benches and tables.
Before long, children reappeared.
- The laughs!
- The screaming and yelling!
- All music to my ears.
Dear one, life is a lot like that playground. We play and we laugh. Then something–or someone–comes our way and tears down all we know and love—the things that make us laugh hysterically and shriek with delight.
- Divorce.
- Illness.
- Death.
- Broken relationships.
- Abuse.
- Job loss.
- Addictions.
We’re left with dirt–piles of it.
We visit the site of our happy memories often, hoping that somehow they’ll magically reappear, and life will be joyous again. We long to laugh again.
Eventually, we move on. We learn new ways to live and play. We learn how to make the most of our dirt. It’s not the life we know, but it’s the life we have.
It seems that when we move on and learn to work with our dirt, God pulls up in His divine semi-truck and starts positioning bits and pieces of a new playground in our lives. It might be a short season of rebuilding—or what seems like an eternity. But before we know it, we have a new playground—a better playground than what we once enjoyed.
Dear one, God wants to restore what was taken from you (Joel 2:25). Your suffering won’t last forever. Our generous God has great plans for you—and what great and glorious plans they are! As you live out the life you have, He will put you back together and on your feet for good (1 Peter 5:10). He will make beauty from your ashes (Isaiah 61:3). God will let you laugh again (Job 8:21).
Come alongside… What has taken away your laughter? How can you move forward with the life you now have? How can you share hope with someone who is hurting?
