Forgive and Forget? Not Really. (Part 2)
Hi, friends!
Several months ago, I wrote the post, “Forgive and forget? Not Really.” In that post, I said I agreed with the “forgive” part of that age-old saying. (If you haven’t read it yet, hop on over to that post and chime in on our discussion.)
I ended that post saying I would address the “and forget” part in the next post. Summer came and went. So did the holidays, and still no follow-up on the post.
I haven’t wanted to talk about the “and forget” part–much less, blog about it. Several things happened after the first post that have challenged me in the forgiveness department. It’s as if God was saying:
“Do you really believe what you say you believe, Daphne?”
With God’s help, lots of tears, and the help of my family, friends, and my recovery group, I’m working through the forgiveness part–and doing well, at least, for today. 😉
Lately, the “and forget” part has come to mind, which, if you ask me, shows progress. Does that mean I should just go ahead and forget about what happened? Should I erase the bad things that have consumed me for the past year? Do I pretend the harmful things that have dominated every waking–and “sleeping”–moment of my life since early summer no longer matter? No.
Pain matters.
Forgetting the pain my family and I have gone through would also erase the good that has come from it.
- More conversations about feelings and long-standing issues with low self-worth.
- Healthy boundaries.
- New directions for our family.
- A simple life that treasures even the little things.
- Courage to protect myself and my loved ones.
- Restored relationships with estranged family members.
- Right priorities.
- Tighter family relationships.
- Renewed importance of the fragility of life.
- Better listening skills.
- Learning about each others’ lives–things we didn’t know about each other that we will carry with us for years to come.
- Giving and receiving advice across generations.
Who knew that negative situations could produce such positive change? And this is just a short list of good coming from bad! There were plenty of good things in our lives last year. That’s an entirely different list of God’s blessings. Should I forget it all–2014?
When we “forgive and forget,” we essentially tell God our pain is better left in the past. Nothing good has come from it. I am where I am today by my own merit, not anything God has done.
“Forgive and forget” is an affront to the sovereignty of God who turns evil into good (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28).
Pain is important to forgive. It’s also important to remember.
“Forgive and remember” until you can do so without an inkling of anger, bitterness, or revenge. That, my friend, is healing. “Forgive and remember” speaks hope: Look what God did for me in this situation. He can do the same for you. That’s the power of remembering. That’s the hope you can share with others. “Forgive and forget” lacks hope. It has nothing to offer anyone. Your pain is in vain.
My pain is not in vain. God has brought much good from it–and I know He will continue to do so. This is the hope I offer you: God can bring good from whatever wrong was committed against you or whatever hurtful thing was said about you.
Forgive and remember.
All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel!
He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Come alongside… Do you agree that you shouldn’t forget the wrongs committed against you? Why or why not? What have you been trying to forget that you need to remember? Please comment in the box below. Remember, you can comment anonymously.
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Forgive and forget? Not really. (Part 1)
Hi, friends!
Do you “forgive and forget?”
Lately, I keep seeing and hearing people tell each other to “forgive and forget” wrongs others have committed against them. Although I’ve heard that saying since I was a wee one, the more I hear it, the more I don’t agree with it. Well, part of it, anyway.
Should I forgive? Absolutely!
Choosing to forgive doesn’t mean the other person did nothing wrong. On the contrary! It means yes, he–or she–wronged you in one way or another. When you forgive, you acknowledge that someone did hurt you.
- They lied about you.
- They abused you.
- They took you for granted.
- They ignored you.
Forgiveness says…
“You hurt me!”
But forgiveness goes further. It also says…
“I’m not going to hurt you back.”
When you forgive someone, you tell yourself, “I won’t let what so-and-so did fester. I won’t let myself get bitter. I won’t let myself take revenge. (Yes, revenge includes giving them the silent treatment.)”
Don’t pay back evil with evil. (Romans 12:17)
Forgiveness says you have suffered from someone’s words or actions. It doesn’t mean you deny or diminish what you’re feeling:
- “Oh, it’s okay.”
- “It’s no big deal.”
- “I’ll get over it.”
- “Whatever.”
Forgiveness says, “Oh, I feel it… Every. Single. Day. But today–for this moment, I will not get them back. I will feel all of this pain. I will cry, I will kick, I will scream. And when I’m done, I’ll be a little more free.” Yes, free!
Our hurts are alive. We can’t bury them. They need to come out one way or another; that’s why God tells us not to ignore them.
My people are broken – shattered! – and they put on band-aids, Saying, ‘It’s not so bad. You’ll be just fine.’ But things are not ‘just fine’! (Jeremiah 6:14)
When you let out your hurts, when you thrust them up to God, you move one step closer to being released from the burden of that pain. Forgiveness makes that happen. Forgiveness helps you to process those feelings for however long it takes. And yes, sometimes, forgiveness takes a long time; it doesn’t all happen at once. But when it does–when forgiveness is complete, after umpteen times of crying, kicking, screaming, praying to God, you’ll suddenly realize…
“Hey, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it did before.”
That’s what forgiveness does. That’s what God wants for us all. That’s what He wants for you.
So… yes, I agree with the “Forgive” part of “Forgive and forget.” But do I agree with the “and forget” part? I’ll address that in my next post. In the meantime…
Come alongside… Do you have someone to forgive? Will you? Why or why not? Please comment in the box below. Remember, you can comment anonymously.
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I am like Whitney
I didn’t believe it when I first heard the news early this week, but alas, it was true: Whitney Houston was dead. I tried to keep it together, but I admit: I cried–a lot. She was my favorite singer growing up. I wanted to be–and sing–like Whitney. What girl in the ’80s and ’90s didn’t?
I’m not sure how or why her life ended so soon. But as I thought about her life, I was saddened. What made it worse were comments from people who were quick to judge her and her actions.
Dear friend, please hear my heart…
- We all have issues.
- We all sin.
- Whitney was no exception.
- Neither am I.
- Neither are you.
God has used my life experiences–good and bad–to show me one life-changing Truth.
- Any person can make unhealthy choices.
- Any person can make a mistake.
- Any person can fall.
- I can be that person.
What separates my life from Whitney’s?
- The cameras.
- The tabloids.
- The news.
Her private mistakes were made public. Her unhealthy choices were publicized for the world to see. Her addictions were on the little screen and on the front pages of newspapers and magazines.
What about me? My mistakes? My unhealthy choices? My addictions? They remain mine and mine alone–hidden from view of the world, my workplace, my church, my friends, and even my family. I am no better, no worse than Whitney. It just so happens that my issues are not on display for the world to see. Nor would I want them to be.
Dear one, I don’t want to judge others. I don’t want to pick on them, jump on their failures, or criticize their faults (Matthew 7:1-6). Instead, I pray for God to have mercy on me, for I–like Whitney–am a sinner (Luke 18:9-14). I–like Whitney–need Jesus to remove the deep stain of all my sins–public and private. I need to be as clean as freshly-fallen snow (Isaiah 1:18).
We are all like Whitney. But this I know… Jesus loves Whitneys.
Come alongside… Have you been judged? Have you judged others? How do you feel when you hear that we all have issues and are all sinners? What sins do you need to confess today? Can you accept that Jesus loves you? He does, you know…
Two Years Full of Assumptions
At a Christmas gathering over the weekend, we read the Christmas story–a children’s picture-book version.
Kids and adults alike gathered in the living room to listen to the reason for this joyous season.
As the story progressed, some children–and adults–listened intently, while others half-listened, buzzed from an evening full of treats and sweets.
It was an interactive story–with questions and answers–mostly from the children.
In the middle of the story, a child asked, “What’s a manger?”
Minutes later, an adult–the mother of the child who had asked about the manger–interrupted the story with another question, “What are shepherds?” My head slowly turned to them, realizing that this precious single mom and her child whom we’ve known now for almost two years had never heard the Christmas story–the true Christmas story, the story of Jesus’ birth.
In two years, we have increasingly spent time with them–they have become part our extended family.
But in those two years, I’ve mistakenly assumed they’ve known about Jesus all along.
Two years full of assumptions.
Two years empty of intentionally talking to them about Jesus–the blessed hope for all the world.
I felt a strong pressing on my chest as I listened to the rest of the story.
Father, forgive me for assuming they knew. Forgive me for not asking them straight out.
I could say that I hope my actions and words have been a good example to them of what it means to be a true Christian, but I know that my example could not possibly be good–or distinctive–enough if it hadn’t yet pointed them to Christ.
Father, forgive me.
Are they the only ones?
- How many people, I wonder, surround me on a routine basis who I assume know Jesus?
- How many do I walk by without telling them of the Man who forever changed my life?
- How many are hurting and looking for hope that I have not yet offered?
- How many?
Two years full of assumptions.
Two years empty of intentionally telling them about Jesus.
For me, those two years end now.
When will they end for you?
Father, help me not only to live a life that resembles Christ but also to speak more of Christ in my life. Help me to be ready to speak the Good News of Jesus–anytime, anyplace (2 Timothy 4:2).
Give me the wisdom and opportunities to speak up and tell anyone who asks why I’m living the way I am (1 Peter 3:15). Help me not to assume but to share Jesus freely.
Thank you, Father, for your love and your patience with me. Amen.
Come alongside…Who have you assumed knows Jesus? Are you sure they do? Will you set some time to talk with that person? How will you go about it? How can you share this story with others?
Lifting my head
He extended his arms to her and gently raised her head so she would look him in the eyes.
“Come here, baby girl. Lift your head up.”
He caressed and reassured her.
“Daddy always wants you to lift your head. There’s no reason to look down.”
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Our dog has this habit of walking with her head down. Sometimes she even approaches you, cowers, and tucks her tail in between her legs.
Some would say she’s overly submissive, and I agree.
Others would say it’s a result of being disciplined, and I would also agree.
And yet others would say she knows when she’s done something wrong. Agreed.
But this isn’t about my dog. It’s about me. It’s about you. It’s about what we do when we approach God–and others. Our pasts weigh us down.
- Lies.
- Cheating.
- Abuse.
- Addictions.
- Hurts.
We feel humiliated, beat down, guilty, and ashamed.
God wants me–He wants you–He wants us to approach Him. He wants to forgive us. He wants to lift our heads. When we accept His forgiveness, there is no reason to hang our heads.
If you set your heart on God and reach out to him, If you scrub your hands of sin and refuse to entertain evil in your home, You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless. You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again. ~Job 11:13-18
If we would only look to Him!
Our faces are never covered with shame. ~Psalm 34:5
God will shield us from shame. He will ground our feet. He will lift our heads high. Psalm 3:3
Come here, my child.
Come alongside…What keeps you from holding your head high? Would you allow your Daddy to forgive you, to raise your head, and blot out your shame?
