Got Questions While You’re Safer-at-Home? Me Too. (pt3)
Hi, friends!
How long have you been safer-at-home during this Covid-19 pandemic? Me? Since early-March. 😮
I’ve been keeping up with my daily routines and kept an eye out for any triggers on my mental health. I’m doing much better than the first few days–although my cat went missing for 10 days, so that didn’t help. (By a miracle on Sunday night, we were able to find her a quarter-of-a-mile away past a major intersection. Thank you, NextDoor app!) Her prolonged absence triggered my depression to the point that I had to pull back from anything negative around me or on media–especially social media. I could only take so much.
I appreciate all your comments on my previous posts. Thank you for the ideas you’ve shared and what you’re learning about yourself and others during this time of social distancing. I hope the Scripture verses and songs have blessed your spirit.
Ready for question three?
Here goes…
3. Does “busy-ness” have a hold on my life?
- Do I feel a need to always be doing something?
- Am I staying busy because I dislike the quiet?
- Am I avoiding dealing with issues that need addressing?
I’m usually a homebody, so following orders to stay indoors hasn’t really been much of an issue for me. I’m noticing, though, that as the quarantine gets longer and longer, I’m absorbing the nervous “energy” emanating from my children. People with my type of personality (INFJ) tend to do that–take in the emotions of those around them. And let me tell ya… our children’s “antsy-ness” can get overwhelming, especially if they’re not out doing something, going somewhere–anything but being indoors.
We’ve tried to keep things active and lively with games, challenges, movies, cooking, painting rooms. But all the “busy-ness” is starting to drain me (hubby too). At the beginning of the quarantine, I was eager to tackle projects, take on new hobbies–just something, anything to pass the time and to be productive. The barrage of ideas on social media has gone from helpful to overwhelming. And not just Facebook. LinkedIn too. I’m still seeing ads and specials for a course here, a workshop there. All great things I would, under other circumstances, take interest in. (My hubby will tell you I’m all for taking courses or watching documentaries to learn something new.) 🙂
But something doesn’t quite feel right about it–all the productivity talk during a pandemic. One meme in particular has stuck with me. It’s still making its way around Twitter and LinkedIn.
What do you think about that statement?
At first, I subscribed to that mentality. “I’m disciplined. Let’s do this!” But as time has worn on, I’ve wondered whether evaluating my discipline–and others’–is even fair, let alone now. (It’s also judging.) But what if I’m actually not as disciplined as I thought? Does it matter, especially now?
This type of thinking has sparked false guilt for me and I’m sure countless others during a time of widespread crisis. Am I really guilty of wrongdoing if I am not productive during this pandemic? And by whose standards?
Friends, we aren’t on vacation. Many of us aren’t in the right mindset to spend considerable time on self-help activities, projects, and professional development. I know I’m not. We are hurting. Many of us are uncertain about our health, our jobs, family circumstances, daily living–our very existence. I am. These are not times for constant mental, emotional, and physical action for the sake of being productive, or adding a skill to a resume, or posting another accomplishment on social media. (Regrettably, I’ve done all these.) This time of pandemic is time for compassion for others and for ourselves.
So why do I feel I need to be doing something constantly at a time like this? For me, it probably goes back to my tendency to find my worth in what I do. If I’m not productive right now, am I still enough? If I have nothing to show for my safer-at-home time, was all this a waste of my time? Do I keep hearing the words, “I should be …” running through my mind? Do I have FOMO–fear of missing out? (That’s actually a mental health condition.)
Friends, one thing I’ve learned from my years in recovery (and apparently need a refresher) is that God doesn’t love us more or less based on what we do or don’t do.
3 In the past we also were foolish. We did not obey, we were wrong, and we were slaves to many things our bodies wanted and enjoyed. We spent our lives doing evil and being jealous. People hated us, and we hated each other.
4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior was shown,
5 he saved us because of his mercy. It was not because of good deeds we did to be right with him. He saved us through the washing that made us new people through the Holy Spirit.
6 God poured out richly upon us that Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ our Savior.
7 Being made right with God by his grace, we could have the hope of receiving the life that never ends. (Titus 3:3-7)
Isn’t it a relief that God loves us for us and not because of anything we do or don’t do? Does it set your heart at ease knowing that God accepts us not because of how much we’ve accomplished, but because of His compassion displayed through Jesus Christ, His son? God is the God of compassion–not of false guilt. He is gentle. He doesn’t push, and He doesn’t drive. He leads and guides. Never with guilt–but with love.
If I’m striving, piling through, and plunging head-first into something I think I should be doing, more often than not, God is not the one leading me to it. (To be clear, I’m not talking about taking on a craft project here and there. That’s self-care. I’m talking about having the drive to do more and more regardless of the situation.)
When I want to be busy and avoid quiet, I go and sit on the wooden bench my hubby built for me. It’s low to the ground on my front lawn. I soak up the sun. (Yay, Vitamin D!)
I love taking off my shoes and wiggling my feet into the grass. There’s something about the pristine and honest quality of the earth beneath your feet. 🙂 It’s easier for me to ask introspective questions and to answer truthfully. Am I staying busy to avoid…
- Interacting with my family members?
- Processing any hurt feelings, anger, or bitterness?
- Facing low self-worth?
Honesty can be challenging, but staying safer-at-home is offering me more opportunities to ensure “busy-ness” isn’t a sign of something deeper.
If you’re struggling with “busy-ness,” listen to one of my favorites: “Be Still, My Soul” by the group Selah.
Stay safe and healthy!
Come alongside… Are you trying to stay productive during this pandemic? Why do you think that’s so? How do you feel about the quiet? Are you avoiding it? What small step can you take to be at peace with silence? Comment in the box below where it says, “Leave a Reply.” Remember, you can comment anonymously.
No. Final answer.
Hi, friends!
I tend to overextend myself–do more than what I should do or have time to do. (Haven’t we talked about this before?) 😉
This week, I’m reminding myself–and you–that God has specific plans for each of us. Let’s remember to focus on what God has given each of us to do. Let’s remember to set boundaries–to say “No.” Let’s remember Jesus.
On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” “Dear woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My time has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” (John 2:1-5)
Jesus said no to his mother?!?! 😮 He sure did.
Others might try to pressure us to do what they want us to do. Or to get involved in things God doesn’t want us to do at that time. Jesus knew his purpose. He stayed true to God’s plan for Him. He didn’t rush God’s timing, and He didn’t let others sway Him from it.
Jesus had the authority to say, “No.” He was, after all, God in the flesh. We too have the authority to say, “No.” Here are some tips:
Start small.
It’s easier to say no to a glass of water than to say no to yet another request to volunteer at your child’s soccer games. So practice with the little things first. It might seem quirky, but it will get you practicing. And it will help you see that “no” isn’t such a bad word.
Don’t ramble.
Sometimes I feel I have to explain my “No.” I think I have to tell the other person why I don’t have time to participate in another project, work on weekends, or even join the choir. (Yes, I’m a people-pleaser.) Remember: No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain your choice to anyone else. If you know your boundaries, then your “No” should be enough for you–and for anyone else. 🙂
Remember your purpose.
What has God called you to do? Are you doing it? If you’re not, then “No” might not be the best response–especially to Him. But if you are walking in your purpose, doing what He has called you to do, then don’t let other things–or people–distract you. There are plenty of good activities out there to participate in, but you don’t have to take part in all of them. Who are you? Be you!
Let go of the guilt.
This goes along with knowing your boundaries and your purpose. You know how much you can–or can’t–add to your plate. If you are being honest with yourself and God, then guilt has no place or power over you. If you do feel guilt, it is false guilt–from others, the enemy, or even your critical self. (That’s the person inside you that keeps telling you, “You should be doing…”) If you feel like someone is beating you up over your decision, that’s not God. Remember: When God convicts you–or places a weight on your chest to let you know you’ve done something wrong, that’s when you should reconsider your decision.
Be nice.
Sometimes, “No” brings up images of conflict and aggression. Change that image in your mind by changing your approach. You might be nervous or even upset the person is trying to monopolize your time, money, or attention. Being kind shows you’re comfortable with who you are, where you want to focus your attention, and that you care about the other person and his/her feelings. Again, practice is key. Start small. 🙂
Rock on.
When you say “No” to one thing, you say “Yes” to something else. That something else can be your purpose, the things you know you’re called to do, the people you’re called to invest in, the passion you’re meant to pursue. Isn’t that freeing? To know you get to take part in the things that God designed specifically for you? It is to me! That is reason enough to rock on!
These are just a few tips to get you started on the path to slowing down and focusing on the things God has for you. I pray you have the freedom to say “No” and to live your life to the fullest. Blessings to you today as you walk within the boundaries God has set for you.
Big hugs,
Daphne
Come alongside… Do you have any other tips to saying, “No?” How has saying “No” helped you? Are you still struggling to say, “No?” What can you do to start setting those boundaries? Please comment in the box below. Remember, you can post anonymously.
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Miley, The Morning After
I didn’t catch the Video Music Awards (VMAs), but after all the chatter the morning after, curiosity got the best of me. So I headed over to YouTube to find out what all the fuss was about. (No, I’m not going to link to it.)
After my eyes and heart recovered from Miley Cyrus’ highly inappropriate dance routine in front of millions of people—children included, the thousands of comments from viewers and readers made sense.
Many comments, in my opinion, were as distasteful as Miley’s performance itself. But as I wrote in my post about Whitney Houston, we’re all some version of Miley, whether we admit it or not.
How many times have we made irrational decisions? Choices that seemed fun at the moment, but the morning after, maybe even hours or seconds after, felt regret, guilt, and shame.
- Erupting in anger.
- Pulling up the porn just one more time.
- Binging on fat-laden foods.
- Downing just one more drink.
- Having just one more affair.
- Telling a “little white lie.”
I myself have plopped my face into my hands the morning after saying, “What the H-E-double hockey sticks was I thinking?”
Miley Cyrus might not be saying that just yet, but I assure you: In time, she will. We all will.
We all seek that one thing that will make us feel alive—truly free. And not just free for a moment, but free for a lifetime. We can’t find it on a stage in front of millions of people or in the corner of a dark room with nothing but our conscience. We find it in Jesus.
Jesus is what we’re all looking for. Jesus is the only one who grants us freedom with open arms. We won’t be perfect, by any means, and consequences surely will follow. But when we can grasp that He loves us and He delights in us—His beautiful creations, we have no need for the harmful anger, the porn, the binging, the drinks, the affairs, the lies, or the inappropriate dance routines. We know He loves us! And that’s all that matters.
The night before—and the morning after.
Come alongside… When have you made a poor decision? How did you feel afterward? How did you recover? Remember, you can post anonymously.
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Go Ahead, Give Yourself Some Love
I’ve been wanting—er, needing—a massage for months now.
Yes, I said need—for my chronic pain, of course. 🙂
Seriously… right now, a visit to my massage therapist Debbie would do wonders for me—physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, and even spiritually. But I’ve been depriving myself of it—for a number of reasons:
- I don’t have time.
- I don’t have the money—or I can use the money for something else—or someone else.
- I don’t really need it now—I can make it a little longer.
- I feel guilty.
Can you relate? Maybe it’s not about the massage for you. Maybe it’s:
- Getting pedicures—yes, guys, you can get pedicures too. 😉
- Indulging in chocolate ice cream—or ice cream, in general.
- Snuggling with a book.
- Taking a nature walk all by yourself. For us mothers, it could be just being by ourselves.
- You name it.
What have you been depriving yourself of that would do wonders for you physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, and even spiritually?
And now the bigger question:
Why have you been depriving yourself of it?
I’m not talking about unhealthy habits or addictions. Rather, I’m talking about those things that make us feel loved.
Please hear my heart, dear one. You don’t have to wait for someone else to love you. Love yourself—Jesus said so!
Love your neighbor as you love yourself. (Matthew 22:39)
God’s not talking about a narcissistic, sinful, lustful kind of “love.” He says do good to yourself, look after yourself—your body, your mind, your soul. And this, not only when you feel you’ve earned it, but routinely and unconditionally loving yourself in healthy ways that say…
“I love God, and I love myself.”
That’s a hard thing for codependents: Loving ourselves. We prefer to look after others, sometimes forgetting about ourselves completely. We fear we’re not worth being loved. We deny our feelings—and many times, our needs. We don’t love ourselves.
But God loves you, dear one. And I’m sure you love God. And because you do, He wants you to honor Him by pausing from work, obligations, roles and responsibilities to spend some time on yourself. God gives you permission to love yourself. In fact, He commands you.
So go ahead, give yourself some love.
Hmm… Where’s Debbie’s phone number?
Come alongside… What makes you feel loved? Have you been depriving yourself of it? How do you feel knowing that God gives you permission to love yourself? What steps can you take to love yourself today? Share with us in the comments section below.
Lifting my head
He extended his arms to her and gently raised her head so she would look him in the eyes.
“Come here, baby girl. Lift your head up.”
He caressed and reassured her.
“Daddy always wants you to lift your head. There’s no reason to look down.”
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Our dog has this habit of walking with her head down. Sometimes she even approaches you, cowers, and tucks her tail in between her legs.
Some would say she’s overly submissive, and I agree.
Others would say it’s a result of being disciplined, and I would also agree.
And yet others would say she knows when she’s done something wrong. Agreed.
But this isn’t about my dog. It’s about me. It’s about you. It’s about what we do when we approach God–and others. Our pasts weigh us down.
- Lies.
- Cheating.
- Abuse.
- Addictions.
- Hurts.
We feel humiliated, beat down, guilty, and ashamed.
God wants me–He wants you–He wants us to approach Him. He wants to forgive us. He wants to lift our heads. When we accept His forgiveness, there is no reason to hang our heads.
If you set your heart on God and reach out to him, If you scrub your hands of sin and refuse to entertain evil in your home, You’ll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless. You’ll forget your troubles; they’ll be like old, faded photographs. Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring. Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again. ~Job 11:13-18
If we would only look to Him!
Our faces are never covered with shame. ~Psalm 34:5
God will shield us from shame. He will ground our feet. He will lift our heads high. Psalm 3:3
Come here, my child.
Come alongside…What keeps you from holding your head high? Would you allow your Daddy to forgive you, to raise your head, and blot out your shame?
