Forgive and Forget? Not Really. (Part 2)
Hi, friends!
Several months ago, I wrote the post, “Forgive and forget? Not Really.” In that post, I said I agreed with the “forgive” part of that age-old saying. (If you haven’t read it yet, hop on over to that post and chime in on our discussion.)
I ended that post saying I would address the “and forget” part in the next post. Summer came and went. So did the holidays, and still no follow-up on the post.
I haven’t wanted to talk about the “and forget” part–much less, blog about it. Several things happened after the first post that have challenged me in the forgiveness department. It’s as if God was saying:
“Do you really believe what you say you believe, Daphne?”
With God’s help, lots of tears, and the help of my family, friends, and my recovery group, I’m working through the forgiveness part–and doing well, at least, for today. 😉
Lately, the “and forget” part has come to mind, which, if you ask me, shows progress. Does that mean I should just go ahead and forget about what happened? Should I erase the bad things that have consumed me for the past year? Do I pretend the harmful things that have dominated every waking–and “sleeping”–moment of my life since early summer no longer matter? No.
Pain matters.
Forgetting the pain my family and I have gone through would also erase the good that has come from it.
- More conversations about feelings and long-standing issues with low self-worth.
- Healthy boundaries.
- New directions for our family.
- A simple life that treasures even the little things.
- Courage to protect myself and my loved ones.
- Restored relationships with estranged family members.
- Right priorities.
- Tighter family relationships.
- Renewed importance of the fragility of life.
- Better listening skills.
- Learning about each others’ lives–things we didn’t know about each other that we will carry with us for years to come.
- Giving and receiving advice across generations.
Who knew that negative situations could produce such positive change? And this is just a short list of good coming from bad! There were plenty of good things in our lives last year. That’s an entirely different list of God’s blessings. Should I forget it all–2014?
When we “forgive and forget,” we essentially tell God our pain is better left in the past. Nothing good has come from it. I am where I am today by my own merit, not anything God has done.
“Forgive and forget” is an affront to the sovereignty of God who turns evil into good (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28).
Pain is important to forgive. It’s also important to remember.
“Forgive and remember” until you can do so without an inkling of anger, bitterness, or revenge. That, my friend, is healing. “Forgive and remember” speaks hope: Look what God did for me in this situation. He can do the same for you. That’s the power of remembering. That’s the hope you can share with others. “Forgive and forget” lacks hope. It has nothing to offer anyone. Your pain is in vain.
My pain is not in vain. God has brought much good from it–and I know He will continue to do so. This is the hope I offer you: God can bring good from whatever wrong was committed against you or whatever hurtful thing was said about you.
Forgive and remember.
All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel!
He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Come alongside… Do you agree that you shouldn’t forget the wrongs committed against you? Why or why not? What have you been trying to forget that you need to remember? Please comment in the box below. Remember, you can comment anonymously.
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Resources to Help You Cope with Holiday Blues
Hi, friends!
I haven’t written for several months, and I’ve missed you, but family members have been going through unexpected health issues since this summer. Although we’re still dealing with these things, we hope for a better tomorrow, trusting God knows all and takes care of us all–even when we can’t see Him.
So… as you know from some of my previous holiday-related posts, I have a hard time during this otherwise joyous season. But I’m not the only one. Thousands–actually, millions–of people are depressed and hurting during the holidays for a number of reasons.
This year, I’ve compiled some of my favorite posts and resources from around the Internet about how to deal with anxiety, depression, seasonal affective disorder, difficult memories, or other mental and emotional concerns during the holidays. You’ll want to bookmark this page for future reference. 🙂
- The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has an entire section devoted to the holiday blues, as well as a video and fact sheet on the “Holiday Blues,” including a section on children and holiday anxiety.
- The Huffington Post has two great articles (Part 1) and (Part 2) on how art therapy can help people de-stress during the holidays. I’m definitely trying some of these!
- On LinkedIn, one of my connections posted an article about how Jesus dealt with depression. It’s brief, but he makes great points.
- PsychCentral gives some suggestions for how to help those who are struggling during the holidays, as well as the impact of not getting enough sunlight during this stressful time.
- My friend and fellow author Rachel Wojnarowski wrote this ebook, 12 Days of Christmas for the Hurting. It’s available on Amazon.
- Also, Dr. Wayne Dyer writes about how to recapture the spirit of the holidays, particularly Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s in his book, No More Holiday Blues. It’s an older book (2010), but the information still applies. Dr. Dyer’s book is available on Amazon.
- Finally, The Skit Guys have a humorous take on all the busy-ness during the holidays, which can lead to increased anxiety from Thanksgiving through Christmas.
I know there are more resources out there. Do you have any you would like to add to this list? Share them with us in the box below where it says, “Leave a Reply.” Also, if you know someone who struggles with depression during the holidays, please share this post with them.
I hope you remember during this season–and always–that Jesus is close to you when you’re brokenhearted, depressed, and feel like giving up.
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there. (Psalm 34:18)
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Dec 2014
Tell Me About Your Day
Hi, friends!
When my husband and I were dating, we started a tradition of telling each other our favorite and least favorite things of the day. We learned a lot about each other, and it helped us to stay connected, especially when he was working hundreds of miles away.
This proved better for us than just asking “How are you doing?” because, as most people, we would answer, “Fine.” By asking each other about our favorite and least favorite parts of the day, we deepened our relationship. Our answers revealed so much more than a simple one-word answer ever could:
- Interests
- Concerns
- Sense of humor
- Feelings
- Values
It could have been easy to forget about it when he returned from working halfway across the country. Instead, we kept it going. Now that we’ve adopted our children, we’ve involved them as well. They love it and look forward to talking about their day–whether it’s after church, after school, after a family outing, during dinner, at the end of the day.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I wanted to share this idea with you in the form of my very first printable: “Tell Me About Your Day.” I hope you will print it and use it with your significant other, with your family, and even with your friends. I would suggest even laminating it. I know it will help to deepen relationships with those around you. It has helped me to be consistent in learning about the people I love.
Here is a full-color version:
Here is a grayscale version:
What better way to come alongside your loved ones and invite them into your life. 🙂
Let me know how it goes. I would love to hear how this tool helps you.
Hugs,
Daphne
P.S. — Happy Valentine’s Day. 😀
Come alongside. What was your favorite part of today? What about your least favorite part of the day? Share with us in the comments below.
First Christmas
This Christmas is especially meaningful to our family. It will be our first Christmas with our three children, whom we adopted in August of this year.
We have been trying to point them to Christ during this joyous season—they haven’t had that influence in their three-and-a-half years in separate foster homes.
As we’ve decorated the house, we’ve stopped and read passages from the Bible. We’ve also created a book for them that explains the significance of our traditions:
- The Christmas tree
- Candy canes
- Wreaths
- Poinsettias
- Gift-giving
And most importantly, the manger scene where baby Jesus came into the world.
As we’ve read to them, their eyes have filled with wonder and delight. They continue to look around the house in awe of a holiday that truly is more than lights and commercials. Everything we have done—and will continue to do—celebrates Jesus.
I know it is a turning point in their lives. It is for me too.
Explaining the real meaning of Christmas to a child—our children—has re-ignited a passion in me for the holidays. I find myself getting lost with contentment in the bundles of joy God has brought to our little family.
In many ways, it’s my first Christmas.
Is this a glimpse of what Mary felt on her first Christmas with the Christ of Christmas? Did she gaze at the marvel of God in her arms? Was she silenced by the Son of God on her chest? Did she whisper in His tiny ears that He would save us from our sins? Did she celebrate Jesus—God with us?
Truly, it was her first Christmas.
Throughout history, many families have celebrated their first Christmas—not one filled with lights and commercials but one that lifts up Jesus—God’s first and only Christmas to the world.
Forever, we will share the merriest story of all. Forever, we will treasure all these things in our hearts (Luke 2:19).
Thank you, Jesus, for that first Christmas.
Come alongside… Tell us about your first Christmas celebrating Jesus. What are your traditions?
Favorite…Least Favorite
Several years ago, my boyfriend–now my husband–and I started a tradition that has continued with our three children: “Favorite…Least Favorite.”
It goes like this: At any given moment, someone will ask…
“What’s your favorite part of today so far?”
Each person answers the question with a specific action, event, etc. No generic, “I liked everything” answers. Also, no one is allowed to poke fun of any answer, but anyone can ask follow-up questions.
After each person has answered the favorite question, then the next question is asked.
“What’s your least favorite part of today so far?”
Again, each person answers the question, and especially during this second part of the game, no poking fun is allowed–or refuting someone’s response, etc.
We started this game when my boyfriend went away for work, and we would call each other at the end of the day to say our goodnights. By asking each other these questions, we were able to take part in the joys of each other’s day and also the sad–or disappointing–parts of the day. It also helped us to meditate on the day and to be sure we access a range of feelings–not leaving any to pile up inside.
Now that we have children, we’re using “Favorite…Least Favorite” to help them process and express feelings. We’re also learning a lot about each other. Truth be told, we’re not the ones who are bringing up “Favorite…Least Favorite” these days. They are!
When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow. (Romans 12:15)
I encourage you to try it out for yourselves. To get us started….
“What was your favorite part of the weekend?”
For me, it was spending Sunday with family I hadn’t seen in decades–some I hadn’t even met, and introducing them all to my husband and my three children.
“What was your least favorite part of the weekend?”
Trying to encourage my introverted daughter to interact with other children at her cousin’s birthday party on Saturday–instead of sitting on a bench with her head down.
Come alongside…What about you? What was your favorite part of the weekend? How about your least favorite?
